Web Site Story

Performed by the usual suspects at the LITA-LAMA National Conference, Pittsburgh, October 15, 1996. All to the music from West Side Story, with the usual disclaimers, but no apologies to Leonard Bernstein or Stephen Sondheim. Any resemblance to the choreography of Jerome Robbins was purely accidental.

Lyrics by Joan Frye Willams, who also directed - to the extent possible considering that Fuzzy Matchers never follow the directions.

   Songs

  1. The Nerds and The Suits - to the tune of the Jets Song
  2. Response Time Blues - to the tune of Something's Coming
  3. I Feel Bitchy - to the tune of I Feel Pretty
  4. The Internet Song - to the tune of America
  5. Z39.50 - to the tune of Officer Krupke
  6. The Multimedia Algorithmic Retriever of Information Artifacts - to the tune of Maria
  7. Tonight - to the tune of Tonight
  8. Finale - to the tune of Somewhere

   The Nerds and The Suits

Sang to the tune of the Jets Song
When you're a Nerd
You're a Nerd all the way--
From your Commodore Pet
To your gigaflops Cray.

When you're a Nerd
You know lots of cool stuff
Which you keep to yourself
So they'll pay you enough.

Your favorite foods
Are coffee, chips and candy.
They alter your moods
And make you kinda randy--
But still you're handy.

When you're a Nerd
Your attire may be odd
But your technical smarts
Make you sure you're a god.

When you're a Nerd
You think you're God!

When you're a Suit
You're a Suit all the way.
You may look MLS
But you think MBA.

When you're a Suit
You control everything.
You can issue commands
Like a queen or a king.

The Suits are in charge,
Our eyes on the objective.
Our challenge is large,
Our personnel defective
From our perspective.

Here come the Suits
Like a bat outta hell.
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don't feel so well.

Take our advice:
Never mess with a Suit.
You'll be out on your ear!
We'll just give you the boot!

We plan to outsource
Each fundamental function.
We're ready to force
This staff to have some gumption.
We've no compunction!

Threaten the Nerds
And we swear we'll erase
Every last data file
In the whole freakin' place.

Then we'll laugh--right--in--your--face!

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   Response Time Blues

Sang to the tune of Something's Coming

Could be--
Who knows?

There's data due any day.
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.

I type a search term that I think will be hot
And likely as not
Response time slows.

Who knows?

Should I stay, take a peek?
Break for coffee, wait a week?
Go for a walk?

I've got a feeling there's a fine hit list due,
Gonna come through
Unless it balks.

Could it be? Yes it could.
Something's coming, something good--
If I can wait.

Something's coming; I don't know
What it is, but it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a hum
Cursor blinks, records come,
Then it will stall.

Come on, system, paint displays
All the way
In less than a day,
Holdings and all.

The screen is clearing;
The outlines start to quiver.
Come on, deliver
To me.

So damn slow all the time,
Wish we had a T-1 line
All of our own.

Come on data, start to beep,
Make the leap
Like a streak
Over the phone.

My PC's humming
And something great is coming.
Who knows?

Should I stay, take a peek?
Break for coffee, wait a week?
Maybe I'll wait...

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   I Feel Bitchy

Sang to the tune of I Feel Pretty

I feel bitchy,
Oh so bitchy.
I feel bitchy and twitchy and mean!
And I'm itchy
To cut loose and really make a scene.

I feel hateful,
Oh so hateful.
It's just fateful how hateful I feel!
And so bitchy
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the crabby (girl/guy) in that meeting room--
Who can that vindictive cuss be?
Such a nasty look, such a nasty voice, such a nasty smile,
Such a nasty me!

I feel ornery
And capricious
And malicious and vicious and crass!
Now it's time
To go down and really kick ass!

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   The Internet Song

Sang to the tune of America

Info highway--
Stunning creation,
World of sublime automation.
So many fine graphics showing.
So much great data for knowing!

Info highway--
Abomination,
Source of chagrin and frustration.
Imbecile chat groups and listservs.
Big data glut gets on my nerves!

And response time slowing,
And expenses growing,
And the porno showing!

Net access is worth the travail.
How did I live before e-mail?

I want to be on the Internet!
So much to see on the Internet!
Everything's free on the Internet--
For a small fee on the Internet!

I want to have my own home page.
VRML is the new rage.
Virtual shopping is such fun--
Virtually broke before you're done!

I want to be on the Internet!
So much to see on the Internet!
Everything's free on the Internet--
For a small fee on the Internet!

I think the patrons will love this.
Reference online will be such bliss.
We'll have unlimited access--
Yeah, to the whole planet's BS!

I want to be on the Internet!
So much to see on the Internet!
Everything's free on the Internet--
For a small fee on the Internet!

Surfing the Web is a pleasure.
Working time seems more like leisure.
Fabulous facts there to look up--
Couldn't you just pick a book up?

I want to be on the Internet!
So much to see on the Internet!
Everything's free on the Internet--
For a small fee on the Internet!

Certainly, if I had my way
We'd be on the info highway.
It's not a highway; it's a swamp!
I think I'll go back to DOS prompt...

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   Z39.50

Sang to the tune of Officer Krupke

Our online system's lovely.
We treat it with respect.
There's just one part that's ugly--
It won't interconnect.
We'd like to do more searches
And maybe ILL
But this homegrown interface is hell.

Z39.50
Is just what you need.
With that approach your searching woes
Will quickly recede.
We know that you want it
So just say the word--
To do without it is absurd.

It's absurd, it's absurd,
It's so damned absurd,
It is fundamentally absurd.

We crave a modern system
With graphics, sound and such
But we're for fiscal wisdom--
It shouldn't cost too much.
Those numbers that you showed us
Make quite a budget dent.
How can we know funds will be well spent?

Z39.50
Will just do the trick.
If you give us permission
We can bring it up quick.
We'll take your desires
And put them online,
And with a standard we'll be fine.

We'll be fine, we'll be fine,
We'll be oh so fine--
If we use the standard we'll be fine.

Our screens are so prosaic;
Only graphics will do.
We think we need Mosaic
And maybe Netscape, too.
If we just had a GUI
Our lives would be complete.
And a new Web OPAC would be sweet!

Z39.50's
The most we can do.
We'll need to have more money
If you want Web stuff, too.
Just write us a blank check
And give us a Yes--
Then we'll deliver a success.

A success, a success,
A complete success--
With a pile of dough you'll buy success.

The trouble is the system!
The trouble is the cash!
The trouble is you're tightwads!
The trouble is you're rash!
Not even with a standard
Can we see eye to eye!
We will be in conflict til we die!

Z39.50
Is what we propose
But even that won't cure
Our system's case of the slows.
So take it or leave it,
It's all we can do...

Until there's more money
From you!

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   The Multimedia Algorithmic Retriever of Information Artifacts

Sang to the tune of Maria

The most wonderful plan I've ever heard...
MARIA MARIA MARIA MARIA
All the beautiful system designs in a single word...

MARIA MARIA MARIA MARIA
MARIA MARIA

MARIA, I've fallen in love with MARIA
And suddenly that name
Will never be the same to me.
MARIA, our problems are solved by MARIA
I heard it and I knew
How sweet a CPU can be.

MARIA, press a key and there's music playing.
Click the mouse and see graphics displaying.
MARIA, I'll never stop saying MARIA

MARIA MARIA MARIA MARIA
MARIA MARIA

MARIA press a key and there's music playing.
Click the mouse and see graphics displaying.
MARIA, I'll never stop saying MARIA.

The most wonderful plan I've ever heard...
MARIA

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   Tonight

Sang to the tune of Tonight

Tonight, tonight--
We'll write that code tonight.
Tonight we'll stay here later than late.

Tonight, tonight--
It's up to us tonight.
We can no longer procrastinate.

Today all day we had the feeling
A miracle would happen;
Here's hoping we were right.

We made a deal
And what was just a dream
Must get real
Tonight.

Tonight, tonight
Is not just any night.
Tonight we know what true crisis means.

Tonight, tonight
We have to get it right--
All the files, all the jobs, all the screens.

And so we bought six dozen doughnuts,
Some M&M's and Pringles,
A case of Jolt and Sprite

And here we go--
Our screens are all aglow, cursors bright!
Tonight!

Tonight, tonight
If you know any prayers
Say them now--
Tonight!

[ Top of Page - Song Index]

   Finale

Sang to the tune of Somewhere

There's a place for us
In cyberspace for us,
All the tools we've been waiting for--
Hypertext and more.

There's a site for us,
One that's just right for us--
Sound and graphics and data files,
All in user friendly style.

And now
We know
Nerds and Suits can be forgiving.
They can find new ways of living
Somehow.

So that's it, dear friends.
We've reached the end, dear friends.
It's been fun singing songs for you.
We all hope you've enjoyed them, too.
LITA, LAMA, thank you.

[ Top of Page - Song Index]